Director: Rob Cohen Starring: Jennifer Lopez Writer: Barbara Curry | 1.5/5 The Boy Next Door The Boy Next Door: best comedy of the year. Well, January at least. It sure is funnier than The Wedding Ringer. Before I get you too confused, let me clarify myself. There are so many unintentional laughs here that it basically redefines the old saying “we’re laughing at you, not with you.” Or is it the other way around? Whichever the case, the script for this movie, written by first-timer Barbara Curry, is so hilariously bad that it rivals with even the worst of Lifetime and Hallmark. Prepare yourself Boy Next Door, the Razzies are in your future. Is MILF thriller a sub-genre already? If not, it definitely is now. The plot consists of an ageless divorcee named Claire (Jennifer Lopez, about as good as you expect her to be) who has a one-night fling with the hunky 19-year-old neighbor Noah (Ryan Guzman, who looks all of 29). Noah is conveniently one year older than the limit for statutory rape; one year younger and this would be a completely different movie - maybe a better one. Anyways, Noah becomes obsessed with Claire and moves to remove all obstacles in the way of their “love,” including Claire’s ex, son, job, and friends. While there are some notable differences, Boy Next Door shares a lot of similarities with last year’s The Guest, which brought new life to the evil-guardian-angel genre. Like that movie, Noah works his way into the hearts (and pants, in this case) of the family before taking a “surprise” turn for the worst. We see him protecting Claire’s son Ian from a bully, drinking beers with ex-hubby Garrett, and hanging out with her bff Vicky (Kristin Chenoweth, boy can her presence get annoying). |
Unlike The Guest, Guzman is nowhere near the charming monster that Dan Stevens. Even when Stevens was murdering people and creeping the hell out of everyone around, you could not shake the feeling that he was so cool. Guzman, by far the weakest link in this already brittle chain, fails completely as Noah. He is not a charmer, an effective creep, a “sexy” presence, or anything that characters like his should be. It’s a tricky role for an actor to be scary in cool in equal measures. Sadly for us, Guzman can not live up to either requirement.
Let’s not shovel all of the blame on Guzman, though. Everyone else involved, from director Rob Cohen (xXx, Alex Cross) to the previously mentioned screenwriter to the rest of the cast, fall in right behind Guzman in this parade of mediocrity. J Lo is so unconvincing as a middle-aged woman who is self conscious about her body. She is well aware that her sex appeal is what rakes in the crowds - this relates to all the avenues of her career, from music to acting - and watching her pretend it is not defies belief. Take her, Chenoweth, and John Corbett (who plays the ex), put them all together, and what you have is a cluster of annoying, poorly-acted characters that were not even substantial to begin with.
Every time the movie flirts with some edgy (eye-gouging) fun, the filmmakers pull back the reigns before the target audience - made up of the people who consider J Lo to be a “talent” - is turned off. There is an intriguing movie to be made about a sensual “forbidden fruit.” That movie would feel sexy and daring in a way that it would feel forbidden even to be watched. This isn’t that movie. The relationship between Noah and Claire feels creepy from its first inklings. Let me describe it this way: it never feels wrong (wink, wink), it feels wrong (ugh, gag).
Let’s not shovel all of the blame on Guzman, though. Everyone else involved, from director Rob Cohen (xXx, Alex Cross) to the previously mentioned screenwriter to the rest of the cast, fall in right behind Guzman in this parade of mediocrity. J Lo is so unconvincing as a middle-aged woman who is self conscious about her body. She is well aware that her sex appeal is what rakes in the crowds - this relates to all the avenues of her career, from music to acting - and watching her pretend it is not defies belief. Take her, Chenoweth, and John Corbett (who plays the ex), put them all together, and what you have is a cluster of annoying, poorly-acted characters that were not even substantial to begin with.
Every time the movie flirts with some edgy (eye-gouging) fun, the filmmakers pull back the reigns before the target audience - made up of the people who consider J Lo to be a “talent” - is turned off. There is an intriguing movie to be made about a sensual “forbidden fruit.” That movie would feel sexy and daring in a way that it would feel forbidden even to be watched. This isn’t that movie. The relationship between Noah and Claire feels creepy from its first inklings. Let me describe it this way: it never feels wrong (wink, wink), it feels wrong (ugh, gag).