Director: Chris Columbus Starring: Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Peter Dinklage, Josh Gad, Michelle Monaghan Writers: Tim Herlihy, Timothy Dowling | 1.5/5 Pixels It was only a matter of time before the man who threatened to destroy the Harry Potter franchise made a movie with the man who has been threatening to destroy good comedy for over two decades. We finally have that movie in the form of the 80’s nostalgia-fest Pixels. Like a washed-up relative at a family reunion who won’t quit talking about how music peaked with Journey’s “Faithfully,” Adam Sandler has always had a tiresome affection for 1980’s. That nostalgic streak is nowhere more apparent than in Pixels, which not only revels in the 8-bit video games of day, but also the music, movies, style, and sideways gender politics of the decade. The story is actually more dumb and nonsensical than what you probably have already imagined. Brenner (Sandler), Cooper (Kevin James), Eddie (Peter Dinklage), and Ludlow (Josh Gad) were all major stars of the teen arcade circuit back in the day. As things tend to go, life goes on and expectations are left wanting. Brenner attended a dumpy college and married one of those horrible female creatures that always wind up treating Adam Sandler wrong. That poor little baby. Suddenly, aliens attack Earth disguised as retro video games - they misinterpreted a time capsule we sent to them as a declaration of war - and Brenner is the only one who can save the day. |
If Pixels would have just kept it’s head down and stuck to its utterly lame logic, it might have eked out with two stars, but it runs by the logic that three losers - one who’s spent a decade in prison and another in his grandma’s basement - can pull off things like automotive stunts straight out of Furious 7, ramping between rooftops backwards and whatnot. Oh, and the logic that a Kevin James-type could ever be POTUS. As soon as I saw James attempting to be President while doing the same old schtick he does in every film, I almost completely checked out.
This is an Adam Sandler movie through and through. It is the kind of movie where the significantly more attractive female love interests are made to look in awe at frumpy, white man-boys as they do something moderately cool for once. What sort of attention do the women get in return? For the most part, they are called “snobby” for turning down the guy’s make-out proposal. Anyone who saw Gone Baby Gone or the first season of True Detective knows how good Michelle Monaghan is, but she is not once given material worthy of her in Pixels.
Speaking of another wasted talent, how do you have the great, Emmy-winning Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones) in your movie and it still be this bad. Because he’s just so fun to watch, Dinklage somehow manages to lively things up occasionally, but it’s only until the next scene that involves Adam Sandler and Kevin James blasting ray guns into the sky while a team of Navy SEALS watches in admiration. While I am on the subject of Game of Thrones and badass men, it was a welcome sight seeing Sean Bean boss Sandler around. I could have used more of that.
Something else I could have used more of is funny jokes. In typical Happy Madison fashion, Pixels is packed with lazy jokes being delivered by uninspired actors. You can almost see the daydreams that are going on in Sandler's head as he makes his way through the film. Many of the jokes involve calling people names and laying out insults like, "Have you been playing Space Invaders a lot? Because you're invading my space." Funny, huh? Not in a million years.
Continuing our theme of uninspired is director Chris Columbus. It is amazing to think that Columbus was once thought of as the heir to the Spielberg throne - as if anyone could inherit that seat while the man himself is still making movies. He popped out two big hits by directing Home Alone and writing The Goonies, but ever since he stumbled with the first two Harry Potter movies, Columbus has been on a continuous downward spiral. Pixels is by far the worst thing he has ever made; it would be a real shame if he were to top it. His first step to something better would be to stay as far away from Happy Madison as possible.
This is an Adam Sandler movie through and through. It is the kind of movie where the significantly more attractive female love interests are made to look in awe at frumpy, white man-boys as they do something moderately cool for once. What sort of attention do the women get in return? For the most part, they are called “snobby” for turning down the guy’s make-out proposal. Anyone who saw Gone Baby Gone or the first season of True Detective knows how good Michelle Monaghan is, but she is not once given material worthy of her in Pixels.
Speaking of another wasted talent, how do you have the great, Emmy-winning Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones) in your movie and it still be this bad. Because he’s just so fun to watch, Dinklage somehow manages to lively things up occasionally, but it’s only until the next scene that involves Adam Sandler and Kevin James blasting ray guns into the sky while a team of Navy SEALS watches in admiration. While I am on the subject of Game of Thrones and badass men, it was a welcome sight seeing Sean Bean boss Sandler around. I could have used more of that.
Something else I could have used more of is funny jokes. In typical Happy Madison fashion, Pixels is packed with lazy jokes being delivered by uninspired actors. You can almost see the daydreams that are going on in Sandler's head as he makes his way through the film. Many of the jokes involve calling people names and laying out insults like, "Have you been playing Space Invaders a lot? Because you're invading my space." Funny, huh? Not in a million years.
Continuing our theme of uninspired is director Chris Columbus. It is amazing to think that Columbus was once thought of as the heir to the Spielberg throne - as if anyone could inherit that seat while the man himself is still making movies. He popped out two big hits by directing Home Alone and writing The Goonies, but ever since he stumbled with the first two Harry Potter movies, Columbus has been on a continuous downward spiral. Pixels is by far the worst thing he has ever made; it would be a real shame if he were to top it. His first step to something better would be to stay as far away from Happy Madison as possible.