Director: David Koepp Starring: Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany, Olivia Munn Writer: Eric Aronson | 2/5 Mortdecai Can anyone think of a zany caper of late concerning a stolen piece of art and a classy, comedic protagonist? You guessed it. Just call this The BLAND Budapest Hotel. The movie begins with a scene borrowed straight from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, with a deal gone bad in an Asian night club. Mortdecai does not have half the fun of Temple of Doom, and that movie contained demonic cults with hoards of enslaved children. I could go on comparing this with superior films - it’s not as delightfully British as Paddington, for instance -, but I have other things to talk about, of course. The plot is as follows: Johnny Depp does silly things with a mustache. Well, it is not too far from the truth. Mortdecai trots around the globe with its mustachioed hero as he searches for a missing painting that supposedly has the account number to a Nazi’s fortune inscribed on the back. Along the way, he must fend off angry Russians, terrorists, art dealers, his wife (Gwyneth Paltrow), and a Mi5 agent (Ewan McGregor). |
Good movie? No. Neither the acting nor the directing feel inspired; it’s rather lifeless, actually. Saying that, there is nothing overly offensive about it. Director David Koepp, mostly known for writing blockbuster scripts for films like Jurassic Park, Mission: Impossible, and Spider-Man, keeps the story going at a pace that only occasionally feels draggy. It’s totally serviceable, nothing extraordinary. The same can be said for Paltrow and McGregor, who are clearly here for a nice little paycheck.
Here is a nice place for me to veer off and discuss Depp for a moment or two. The veteran actor is one of the richest and most powerful in the business; surely he is not making flop after flop for the money. Mortdecai, which has so far underperformed at the box office, will be Depp’s fifth straight film, in which he is the leading star, to flop. This streak began with 2011’s The Rum Diary and ended with last year’s colossal failure The Lone Ranger. This string of uninspired performances, which almost always find the actor hiding behind makeup or prosthetics, got me thinking something: could Capt. Jack be the worst thing that ever happened to the once-acclaimed star? Sure, Depp and his private island would likely say “no,” but ever since the beloved pirate franchise kicked off we have been given nothing but empty, funny voices. While there are a couple exceptions - Sweeney Todd and Public Enemies come to mind -, I would say there is no other actor more in deep of a creative renaissance. End of discussion.
Back to Mortdecai, why is this movie rated R? There is no nudity, excessive vulgarity, or gore. Aside from one too many (lame) crude jokes, I would label this thing a comfortable PG-13. If I had one mite of constructive criticism to add, it would be to cut out about half the perverted humor - or, you know, all of it -, that I just mentioned. There is only so many unfunny jokes you can sit through that involve testicles and gagging.
So is the film deserving of its 27 Metacritic score, a score lower than the ludicrous The Boy Next Door? Absolutely not, especially when compared to the Jennifer Lopez thriller. Mortdecai is unfunny and a bit boring, but it somehow always remains bearable. I am going to chalk it up to Depp’s committed performance. We should all send him fan mail begging him to get back to making the kind of movies that are worth his skills. Until his next inevitable cash-out - Pirates 5 is already in the works -, let us all watch Edward Scissorhands again and remember the good old days.
Here is a nice place for me to veer off and discuss Depp for a moment or two. The veteran actor is one of the richest and most powerful in the business; surely he is not making flop after flop for the money. Mortdecai, which has so far underperformed at the box office, will be Depp’s fifth straight film, in which he is the leading star, to flop. This streak began with 2011’s The Rum Diary and ended with last year’s colossal failure The Lone Ranger. This string of uninspired performances, which almost always find the actor hiding behind makeup or prosthetics, got me thinking something: could Capt. Jack be the worst thing that ever happened to the once-acclaimed star? Sure, Depp and his private island would likely say “no,” but ever since the beloved pirate franchise kicked off we have been given nothing but empty, funny voices. While there are a couple exceptions - Sweeney Todd and Public Enemies come to mind -, I would say there is no other actor more in deep of a creative renaissance. End of discussion.
Back to Mortdecai, why is this movie rated R? There is no nudity, excessive vulgarity, or gore. Aside from one too many (lame) crude jokes, I would label this thing a comfortable PG-13. If I had one mite of constructive criticism to add, it would be to cut out about half the perverted humor - or, you know, all of it -, that I just mentioned. There is only so many unfunny jokes you can sit through that involve testicles and gagging.
So is the film deserving of its 27 Metacritic score, a score lower than the ludicrous The Boy Next Door? Absolutely not, especially when compared to the Jennifer Lopez thriller. Mortdecai is unfunny and a bit boring, but it somehow always remains bearable. I am going to chalk it up to Depp’s committed performance. We should all send him fan mail begging him to get back to making the kind of movies that are worth his skills. Until his next inevitable cash-out - Pirates 5 is already in the works -, let us all watch Edward Scissorhands again and remember the good old days.